Duties of parents

A Buddhist perspective

- By Dr. D. P. Atukorale

It is the duty of parents to see to the welfare of their children. In fact the dutiful and loving parents shoulder the responsibilities with pleasure. To lead the children on the right path, the parents should first set the example and lead ideal lives. It is almost impossible to expect worthy children from unworthy parents. Apart from Karmic tendencies, the children inherit from previous births, they invariably inherit the defects and virtues of parents too. Responsible parents should take every precaution not to transmit undesirable tendencies to their progeny.

According to the Singalovada Sutta, there are five duties that should be performed by parents.

The first duty is to dissuade children from evil

Home is the first school, and parents are the first teachers. Children usually take elementary lessons in good and evil from their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly impart an elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering, revenge, shamelessness and fearlessness for evil and immoral activities to their children during childhood days.

The second duty is to persuade them to do good

Parents are the teachers at home; teachers are the parents at school. Both parents and teachers are responsible for the future well-being of the children, who become what they are made into. They are and they will be, what the adults are. They sit at the feet of the adults during their impressionable age. They imbibe what they impart. They follow in their footsteps. They are influenced by their thoughts, words and deeds. As such it is the duty of the parents to create the most congenial atmosphere both at home and in the school.

Simplicity, obedience, cooperation, unity, courage, self-sacrifice, honesty straight-forwardness, service, self-reliance, kindness, thrift, contentment, good manners, religious zeal, and other kindred virtues should be inculcated in their juvenile minds by degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually grow into fruit - laden trees.

The third duty is to give the children a good education

A decent education is the best legacy that the parents can give their children. There is no more valuable treasure. It is the best blessing that parents could confer on their children.

Education should be imparted to them, preferably from youth in a religious atmosphere. This has far reaching effects on their lives.

The fourth duty is to see that they are married to suitable individuals

Marriage is a solemn act that pertains to the whole lifetimes; this union should be one that cannot be dissolved easily. Hence, marriage has to be viewed from every angle and in all its aspects to the satisfaction of all parties before the wedding.

According to Buddhist culture, duty supercedes rights. Let both parties be not adamant, but use their wise discretion and come to an amicable settlement. Otherwise, there will be mutual cursing and other repercussions. More often than not the infection is transmitted to progeny as well.

Last duty is to hand over the children their inheritance at the proper time

Parents not only love and tend their children as long as they are still in their custody, but also make preparation for their future comfort and happiness. They hoard up treasures at personal discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their children.

The religion of compassion

Buddhism is the religion of compassion and the parents should never forget to present it to the children as such.

The parents should practice the four sublime states of the mind taught by the Buddha in raising their children. They are Metta (loving kindness) Karuna (compassion) Muditha (sympathetic joy) and Upekkha (even mindedness). These four states well practised will help parents remain calm throughout the difficult period of child rearing.

Perhaps the greatest challenge that parents have to face is the proper upbringing of a child. This is another aspect which distinguishes us from animals. While an animal does care for the offspring with great devotion, a human parent has a greater responsibility which is the nurturing of the mind. The Buddha has said that the greatest challenge a man faces is to tame the mind. The parents are responsible for the development of a child’s mind.

Whether a person becomes a useful citizen or not depends mainly on the extent to which its mind has been developed.

When a child is yet a toddler, unable to express its needs, it is quite prone to indulge in tantrums and crying. A parent who practices the first virtue of loving kindness can maintain within himself or herself to continue to love the child.

As the child becomes more mature as an adolescent, parents should practice Karuna (Compassion) towards him. Adolescence is a very difficult time for children, and they are rebellious and great deal of their anger and frustration is directed at their parents and this is a natural part of growing up and children don’t mean to hurt their parents wilfully.

Just before he becomes an adult a child will probably meet with success in examinations and other activities. This is the time for parents to practice Muditha (sympathetic joy).

When a child had reached adulthood and has a career and a family of his own, his parents should practice the great virtue of equanimity (Upekkha) and parents should not interfere with the affairs of their children. If parents practice equanimity they will remain serene in their old age and thereby earn the respect of the younger generation. A home where there is loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity will be a happy home.

Reference

1. A happy married life

by Dr. Sri Dhammananda

2. Singalowada Sutta