Forgive and Forget

by Sumana Saparamadu

What do you consider the two most important words in the English language?” asked my friend Dil, during one of our regular telephone conversations. A long-time teacher now living in retirement and house-bound after an accident, she spends her time in such exercises like delving into the origin of common words. She would ask me do you know the context of this saying and quote a stanza from the Dhammapada or Theri Gatha. All this keeps her mind active and alert.

I had never given any thought to the questions he asked me, so I put the question to her. “What are the two words you consider most important?” “Forgive and Forget”, came the instant reply which she repeated.

“Forgive and Forget” - how true! If they aren’t the two most important words, they are certainly the very important words. If we “Forgive and Forget” how easy life would be!! We would be rid of a big mental burden.

Some say “I can Forgive, but I can’t Forget what he/she did”; and so they carry the memory of whatever he/she did, a burden which weighs down and corrodes the mind.

Instead of forgetting every bit of that incident from memory, we go on collecting grievances, some are real, some are marginally, some are magnified as the years go by. We accumulate in our minds, the insults, the hurts, the oversights, the mistakes due to inadvertence, like collecting stamps or photographs or foliage plants. The more grievances we collet the heavier the heart and mind.

This has been summed up succinctly in a verse in the Dhammapada.

Akkochi mam avadhi mam
ajini mam ahasi me
Ye tam upanayhanti
veram tesam na sammati

“He scolded me, he hit me, he got the better of me (defeated) he took what was mine” he who constantly thinks thus, is enmeshed in anger. His hatred will never cease.

What prompted the Buddha to make this observation was a complaint made by a Bhikkhu about his colleagues. This Bhikkhu was known as Thullatissa (fat Tissa). As narrated in the Dhammapada. Tissa became a Bhikkhu hang past his youth. He was lazy, physically and mentally. He became fat and stout. He spent most of his time in the waiting hall of Jetavanarama, wearing rich robes. He was a cousin of the Buddha, the son of the Buddha’s paternal aunt Amita. Because of this close kinship he expected other Bhikkhus to treat him with a difference and was angry if they didn’t. He was talkative and his colleagues teased him on his talkativeness.

Some young Bhikkhus taking him to be a ‘Maha Thera’ begged the previlegedge of performing various services, like massaging his feet. When they discovered his true attainments, or rather the lack of any, they reviled him and he was angry. He went to the Buddha and complained that young Bhikkhus reviled him others teased him and laughed at him.

Having listened to Thissa’s complaints and long tale of woe, the Buddha asked him first to obtain their (the young Bhikkhus’) pardon for failing to show the due respect and then advised him to stop harbouring grievances, for it will make him angrier and angrier, and increase the hatred within him.

“This verse - Akkochi mam, avadhi mam.... is the third verse in the Dhammapada and is followed by the well-known and often quoted verse ‘Nahi verena verani.....’ not by hate is hate overcome”.

To get rid of, to cleanse the mind of defilements viz anger, hatred, greed illusions, is one of the corner stones of Buddhism. The more we hate, the more grievances we stock in our minds, the more it is defiled. Some are delight in collecting grievances, recalling them time and again, as if to make sure they aren’t forgotten. What good does it do? How can this unhappy memories benefit one? Why not let by gones be by gones and forget all about it.

The advice given to us as children was to remember the good deeds done by us and to us, by others. This is what should be recalled often, even on the death bed. Many know that King Dutugemunu in his last days lay on his bed facing Ruwanveli Seya (Ruwanveli Dagoba) listening to his ‘good deeds’ as recorded in his ‘Pin Potha’.

However, more often than not, it is the ill not the good, that is remembered and recalled. Hence the Saying “Can Forgive, but cannot Forget”. One should ask oneself honestly whether the “omissions and commissions” of others have been well and truly forgiven. A deep introspection is necessary to make sure, that all sins of omission and commission” of others have been forgiven without any residue of ill-will.

Remembering the good done - gratitude is sadly lacking among many specially among the younger generation who tend to take everything as their due the result of right being emphasised over duties.

A good turn done with expectations of returns when recalled will bring disappointment, disillusion, leading to resentment and anger if the recipient has forgotten “What I did when he/she was in such straits”.

Give with no strings attached; help where help is needed with no thought of returns. We are enjoin to give in kind or in service with a gladden mind ‘Thun sitha pahadagena’ (happy before the act, during the act and after the act). No regrets later because the recipient has not responded favourably or shown no gratitude.

Like Forgiving and Forgetting the ill done to us, so should not expect anything in return or be hurt or angry if the recipient has forgotten what we did for him/her.

Doing a good turn is not like lending money on interest. It is an outright gift.