The concept of friendship in Buddhism

Ven. Dr. Naimbala Dhammadassi Thera

Man is considered a social being who seeks happiness and contentment through mutual assistance and help at each and every moment of his life. Friendship can be considered a bond that invites two or more persons and it implies intimacy and mutual benevolence independently of sexual or family relations. In a materialistic society such as ours where individuals with different aspirations strive to achieve their goals, friendship serves as a catalyst when frustration comes into prominence.

Certain references to friendship can be seen in Cicero’s De Amictia, Homer’s Iliad and Euripides Fragments. A fragment of Euripides says: “A friend united in spirit is better than ten thousand relations. If he were unrelated by blood.” it is stated in the Hitopadesha, the famous Sanskrit text that ‘no other person is meritorious and fortunate than that of the one who receives an opportunity to talk, associate and discuss with an intimate friend (Yasaya mitrena sambhashoyasya mitrena sansthitih- yasya mitrena samlapas-tato nastiha punyavan). Confucius, the most renowned Chinese philosopher, too, has exalted friendship in his Analects:

‘How pleasant it is to have friends come to visit you from distance.’ Furthermore, a reference is made to six kinds of friendship, three of which being harmful, and the other three being beneficial. Accordingly, the friendship with those who flatter, those who are meek, and those who uncompromised with principles are treated as harmful.

The friendship with those who are upright, truthful, and well-informed is considered beneficial. Plato, the great Greek philosopher, too, has exalted friendship in his dialogues such as the Lysis, the Symposium, and the Phaedrus. Aristotle who stated that ‘If people are friends, they have no need for justice,’ too, has classified friends into three categories in accordance with three motivational factors.

* The friendship of pleasure (friendship derived from the association of those we call friends.)

* The friendship of utility (friendship based on a temporary alliance and profit).

* The friendship of goodness (friendship based on the motive of virtues, lofty ideals, and mutual respect).

Indian thought

Regarding the Indian thought, it is obvious that the concept of friendship had its roots in the Rig Veda itself. The terms such as ‘Mitra’, ‘Sakha’ (one who eats together), and ‘Suhra’ (good or kind-hearted) can be taken as the classic examples. The term Mitra is used to denote the god of intimate friendship, closely linked with Varuna.

Both Varuna and Mitra are considered the guardians of moral law. Hence, friendship appears to have direct reference to ethics and natural law. It is stated in the Rig Veda that Mitra, who is the friend par excellence, speaks to people and stirs them to labour (mitro Janan Yatayati Bruvano Rg. 3.592).

The term Mitra also has a direct reference to the Zoroastrain concept of Mithu who is considered the guardian deity of faithfulness, benevolence, intimacy and altruism etc. Regarding the misfortune that brings to a person due to a loss of a friend endowed with learning and scholarship is stated in the hymn which speaks of the goddess Vac or sacred word as follows: ‘A man who abandons a learned friend no longer receives share in speech.

What he does hear he hears in vain, for he does not know the path of good action’ (Rig. X. 71).

Buddhism, being a unique religion that spreads its tentacles to reveal man’s revival engulfed in enmity, anger, hypocrisy and so forth, which elements would erods into a long lasting friendship, inspires us on a harmonious life. Broadly speaking, friendship languishes influence after personal gain or benefit in which case it becomes one sided. However, the Western scholarship has often held the erroneous view that early Buddhism is originally a movement of renunciation and the worldly matters related to lay life have not been properly addressed.

A careful study of the early discourses, however, would reveal that the laity have never been disregarded or relegated. It is obvious that a wide variety of teachings are focussed on issues related to both the mundane and the spiritual life of the laity.

Among such teachings friendship is not only extolled as one of the major factors conducive to happiness and well-being of the laity but also an essential driving force promoting the spirit of morality and spirituality (Cattaro me Vyaghapajja dhamma dittha dhamma hitaya dittha dhamma sukhaya sanvattanti. Katamani cattari? Utthana sampada arakkha sampada, kalyana mittata, samajivikata.)

The friend is defined by the Buddha in the renowned discourse called the Sigalovadasutta of the Digha nikaya as follows:

“As a real friend, a warm-hearted companion, one ought to count him who is helpful, is the same in prosperity and in adversity, tells and what we ought to know, and has pity on us, is sympathetic.”

Kalyana Mitta

The perfectly good friend is termed in Buddhism as Suhada (good hearted), Kalyana mitta (the virtuous friend, and the noble friendship as Kalyana-mitta). The Buddha is known as the Kalyana-mitta par excellence. At the end of the advice given in the Sigalovada sutta regarding friends, the Buddha requests the householder Sigala to associate with the Kalyana-mitta with affection just as a mother would associate her only child (mata puttamva orasam).

The prime importance given in Buddhism towards friendship is obvious from the statement made by the Buddha when the Thera Ananda uttered that ‘Lord, to my mind, the half of the holy spiritual life is based on friendship’.

Correcting his view the Buddha then twice said that: ‘Do not say so Ananda, Do not say so Ananda, and concluded that the entire holy life, indeed, O Ananda, is based on the noble companionship, noble association of a monk.’ Then the Buddha proceeded to explain the benefits of friendship, most probably not found in any other religio-philosophical tradition.

“By making a good friend, man can become free from ageing, while he is destined to gain ageing. He can be free from illness while remaining in the same body.

He can be free from death, while his death is inescapable. Ananda, ponder on this, and you will understand that to have a good friend is the totality of the way (Mamamhi Ananda, kalyanamittam agamma, jati dhamma satta jatiya parimuccati, jara dhamma satta jaraya parimuccati, marana dhamma satta maranena parimuccati.’ S.N. 45,2).

Noble friend

The Hiri-sutta of the Sutta-nipata, too, explains about friendship and says that: ‘... he on whom one can rely, like a child sleeping on its mother’s breast, is truly a friend who cannot be parted from one by other’s’ (Sn. V. 25). The Noble friend possessed with seven qualities is advised to be associated with. These include pleasantness or lovableness, honourableness, venerableness, skilful in counselling, patience in listening, skilful in preaching, and the quality of not leading others to useless ends (Piyoca garu bhavaniyo-vattaca vacanakkhamo-gambhiramca katam katta-nocatthane niyojaye).

In the Sattaka-nipata of the Anguttara-nikaya it is advised to associate a friend who, (i) gives what is difficult to give. (ii) does what is difficult to do. (iii) patiently endures what is difficult to endure (iv) reveals his own secrets (v) protects one’s secrets (vi) does not abandon the friend in crisis (vii) does not despise one because of one’s loss (A.N. 7.34).

Using the simile of sunshine the Buddha once explained how the friendship serves as forerunner of is spiritual advancement. “Bhikkhus, you know well how the sun rises in the East in the morning. The eastern sky dawns first, and the illumination of the sun - rays is followed by the sun rise. Just as the forerunner, the harbinger, of the arising of the sun, so friendships with the lovely will forerunner, the harbinger, of the arising of the Noble Eight Fold Path. Of a monk who is a friend of good companions it may be expected that he will cultivate the Noble Eight Fold Path, that he will make much of the Noble Eight Fold Path (S.N. 45).

Loving kindness

The most profound concept related to friendly spirit in Buddhism is the concept of Metta (Maitree) or loving kindness. Etymologically it means the nature of friend (mittassa sabhavo). In brief, it bears diverse meanings such as loving-kindness, friendliness, amity, benevolence, non-violence, goodwill etc. Therefore, it is justifiable to conclude that it covers a much wider spectrum than mere love and affection.

Intimate friendship

A living testimony for noble companionship is the Buddhist Sangha itself. The Buddha always advised the Sangha to live in harmony and intimate friendship without any dispute whatsoever. On certain occasions the Buddhist monastic community has been praised even by kings and householders for their living altogether on friendly terms, in harmony, in dispute free, as milk and water blend, regarding each other with the eye of affection (Samgga sammodamana, Avivadamana, khirodakibhuta annamannam piyacakkhuhi sampassamana).